


Holding Onto You

by FrazzledSquidz



Series: Junior Year [4]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Jughead Jones, Asexuality, Break Up, But whatever, F/F, Fights, I fucking hate her, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pedophilia, Relationship Negotiation, Self-Esteem Issues, and that the show never addressed it, angsty teenagers, b & v forever, jug and ronnie would be bffs in a perfect world, self-sabotage, so sexual violence, talking about what grundy did to archie, temporary tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 21:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11608887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrazzledSquidz/pseuds/FrazzledSquidz
Summary: “I know what Archie told Betty and then what she relayed to me. Want me to go off hearsay or can I get your version?”Jughead shrugged dismissively. “We fought. I broke up with him. That's all there is to it.”





	Holding Onto You

**Author's Note:**

> _I don't like my mind right now,_  
>  _Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary._  
>  _Wish that I could slow things down..._  
>  _I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic._  
>  -Heavy by Linkin Park (RIP Chester Bennington)

“Hey, Requiem for a Dream.”

Jug slotted sore eyes at Veronica as she stepped into the trailer, silently willing her to go away with all of his might. But, of course, Veronica Lodge had always been impervious to the wills of others.

She looked around the dark, chilly mobile home. The Serpents were paying the rent on the land, but there was no point in keeping the utilities going for a place no one was living in. The plan was for Jughead to move in once he turned eighteen and could shake free of the foster system, but the thought filled him with a kind of sick anxiety, so he tried not to dwell on it too much. 

Veronica walked over and sat delicately on the couch next to him, smoothing her dress over her lap. “What happened?” she asked point-blank.

Jughead sniffed, looking away from her. He was curled up with his back to the arm of the couch, arms crossed defensively over his stomach and his knees pulled up to his chest. “If you're here then you know what happened.” His voice was hoarse and his fingers were frozen; he must have been in the trailer awhile.

She tucked a strand of black hair behind her ear, looking unimpressed. “I know what Archie told Betty and then what she relayed to me. Want me to go off hearsay or can I get your version?”

He shrugged dismissively. “We fought. I broke up with him. That's all there is to it.” 

“Forsythe Pendleton Jones the Third.” Veronica's sharp voice, and his actual name, made him look at her reflexively. “You can either continue to be an emo drama queen freezing to death in your imprisoned father's trailer or you can tell me what happened that made you break up with your soulmate and made both you and Archiekins so miserable.” She straightened, businesslike, shaking her hair behind her shoulders. “Either way I'm not leaving here without you.”

Jughead clenched his jaw, looking away from her again. Silence descended over his old home as he tried to sort out his thoughts, tried to piece everything together. But that'd been what he had come here for in the first place, for a quiet place to think where no one would bother him, and he hadn't gotten anywhere on his own thus far.

They had been hanging out together earlier, him and Archie. They'd met up after school and had been lying on Archie's narrow bed, chasing the autumn chill away from noses and ears with dry kisses. But then Archie had started to get turned on, and Jughead wasn't feeling it today. He'd pushed him away. They'd fought. 

“It wasn't going to last anyway,” Jughead found himself muttering, eyes dropping to the carpet. 

“Why do you say that?” Veronica asked calmly, dark eyes serious. 

He sighed deeply, a heaviness settling on his lungs. “We're too different, V. We're- we're totally opposite in the things we do, what we want, where our lives are going. It was never going to last.”

Veronica nodded, showing him that she was listening. After a minute she softly said, “He thinks he assaulted you.”

Jughead flinched, looking over at her. “No, that-” He paused, looking torn. “That's not what happened.” 

Archie's breath had been warm, so warm, along his jaw and neck, his broad hands cradling Jughead's hips. Jughead could feel him growing hard against him, hips subtly shifting. But Jughead was not in the mood, not even a little.

“Archie,” he'd pulled away with a sigh, feeling guilty even though he knew he shouldn't.

“Jug,” Archie had whimpered, following him, pressing desperate kisses to his lips. “Juggie, please. It's been _weeks._ ” He'd rolled his hips forward again, breath stuttering in his chest.

“I don't-” Jughead had started, but he'd been interrupted by Archie deepening their kiss, pulling him closer, grinding forward again. Jughead had shoved him back roughly, pushing Archie over the edge of the bed to land on the floor in a mess of limbs. 

“Shit!” Archie had been up in a minute, apologies already spilling from his lips, but Jughead was standing up and stepping off the bed. Archie had grabbed Jughead, face pale, but Jughead had easily twitched out of his grip, retreating and folding his arms close to his chest.

“Back off, Andrews,” he'd told Archie coldly, glaring at him.

“Shit, fuck,” Archie had whispered, face drawn. “Juggie I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what came over me. You know I'd never push you-”

“Except you just did.”

Archie had flinched terribly. “I-I didn't mean- I was just frustrated- I'm so, so sorry-”

“Save it,” Jughead had told him flatly. “I knew this wasn't going to work out. You need someone who can keep up with you, Archie. Getting jerked off twice a month by your supposed-boyfriend isn't going to suffice long-term.” 

Archie had blinked, mouth hanging open. “What do you mean _supposed_ boyfriend? You ARE my boyfriend, Jug! I'm the selfish loser who tried to push you beyond your comfort zone-” 

“Stop!” Jughead had barked, feeling both overwhelmed and completely wrung out. “Just stop, Archie. I'm leaving.”

“No,” Archie had breathed, stepping in front of his bedroom door. “Jug, don't run away from this; we can talk about it!”

“I don't _want_ to talk about it!”

“Why are you so ready for this to fail?” Archie had demanded, anger leeching into his tone. “Why don't you, like, _try_ at all? If you don't want to be with me then just say so!” 

Blue eyes had met brown. “I don't want to be together, Arch.” And then he had left.

“But why would you lie?” Veronica asked softly, brow furrowed. 

Jughead frowned over at her. “Who said it was a lie?”

“Oh my _god,_ ” Veronica groaned, rolling her eyes and pushing herself to her feet. Jughead looked away, prepared for her to leave, but she just walked to the other side of the small room. “You are so obviously miserable and you're pushing Archie away! Can we just cut the bullshit already? Why are you doing this?” 

Jughead dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Why does there have to be some deep dark reason? Maybe it's just not working out!”

“ _Jughead!_ ” Veronica yelled in exasperation, scaring the shit out him.

“What!” he shouted back, jumping clumsily to his feet. “It just wasn't working, Veronica! That's it!” 

“That is _not_ it!” 

“I saw him with Val!” It sounded like the admission had been ripped out of his throat.

Silence settled over the trailer, over Veronica's astonished face and Jughead's pale one. 

“I saw him with her,” he repeated quietly, eyes dark and haunted. With a sigh he sat back on the couch, burying his face in his hands.

Veronica took a steadying breath, then walked over and sat beside him. “Tell me.”

Jughead sniffed again, wiping at his nose and eyes. “I… I caught a ride over to Riverdale for lunch. Thought I'd show up while you all were eating. I was coming up around the back and I saw them together.”

“Val and Archie?” She sounded disbelieving.

“Yeah. And they weren't- they weren't doing anything. But I saw them together and they were… So easy. They were laughing, casually touching, and they were just so, so easy together. And so beautiful.” 

Jughead closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead. Veronica suddenly realized he didn't have his beanie on. 

“That's who he should have, Veronica.”

“But... he doesn't want her.”

“Maybe not her specifically, but someone like that. Someone he can be around effortlessly, someone he can have sex with, someone without all this baggage, someone… someone with a future.” 

Veronica frowned, reaching over and placing a gentle hand on his forearm. “You have a future, Jug.”

He laughed mirthlessly, shaking his head. “I really don't. At least, not outside of Riverdale. It's all set up, can't you see? Once I turn eighteen I'll get this place and I'll be with the Serpents. And… that will be my life. That'll be it.” 

“Why is that the only endgame?” Veronica demanded quietly. “Why can't you just get on a bus and go to Toledo or California or wherever in the world you want to go?”

“It's all different now, with my dad in prison. I can't… I can't just leave him.”

Veronica sighed gently, scooting closer and trailing her hand down his arm to lace their cool fingers together. She was honestly shocked he was letting her do this. “Jughead, listen to me. You've been basing your entire life around your father. Whether or not he's had a job, or a home, or had been drinking… And now whether or not he's in prison? He wouldn't want this for you, and you know it. He incriminated himself so you could be safe. Be happy.”

“He's never known what's good for him anyway,” Jughead muttered, rolling his eyes. He pushed his free hand through his dark hair, tugging on it. 

“Jug… Are you sure this is just about your dad?” she asked gently. “You're a pessimist, but not a defeatist. And why are you so worried about what's going to happen in a year or two? Why isn't it enough to enjoy what you have now and let the future come as it may?” 

“What's the point of building all of this now if it's not going to last?” he asked quietly. 

“But it is going to last, Jug. You and me and Betty and Archie… We're all connected now. Even if we're not dating or best friends in the future, we'll always have common ground to return to. We'll always have our time in Riverdale together.” 

Jughead fell quiet, staring at the carpet. Veronica let him think, let the silence stretch comfortably. He looked so haunted, the soft skin under his eyes bruised a dark purple from exhaustion. 

“I can't make him happy,” he finally murmured.

“Jughead… you _do_ make him happy.” 

He drew his bottom lip into his mouth. “He's so… _sure_. He tells me he loves me so casually. He always talks about our future together. He just- there isn’t a doubt in his mind that this relationship is all he wants.”

“So?” Veronica gently prodded.

Anguished blue eyes finally met hers. “So what if he’s wrong? What if we’re not ‘soulmates’ or whatever, what if we don’t wind up growing old together, what if he gets sick of never having actual sex, what if… everything? What if he's so sure about the wrong thing?”

She smiled kindly, squeezing his hand. “I hear you. But don’t you think you should talk to Archie about all of this? When you came out as ace you spoke to Betty almost immediately, didn’t you? None of this self-destructive stuff came out then; why is it happening now?”

It mattered more with Archie, somehow. Jughead had known that he and Betty wouldn’t be forever. He didn’t necessarily think he and Archie were going to be, either, but the other boy was just _so convinced._ Sometimes Jughead couldn’t help but imagine their future together, the possibilities it held. But then the anxiety came sweeping in, depression and self-loathing fast on its heels, and it was all he could do to close it all down before it overwhelmed him. Only, this time, he hadn't been fast enough. 

“I wish I could shut my brain off,” Jughead finally admitted, rubbing his eyes again.

Veronica smiled, tilting her head. “Try not to worry so much about the future, Jughead Jones. Just enjoy the present as it is. You have no idea what's going to happen. I mean, could you have predicted all of this last year?”

He barked out a laugh, shaking his head. “No. No, definitely not.” Last year Jason Blossom's body had been found, Archie had rejected Betty, Veronica was just starting to worm her way into their lives, and Jughead had been living in the drive-in. He sighed again, glancing over at her. “Thanks, Margo.”

Veronica smirked. “You're welcome, Q.”

Jughead couldn't help but grin. “So you finally figured it out.”

“It took extensive internet, as well as soul, searching, but yes. I finally discovered the origin of your nickname for me.” She grew serious once more. “You're a good person, Jug. You don't have to question it so much, okay?” When he only looked away, jaw clenching, she finally let go of his hand and stood. “Okay! Let's go to Archie's.”

“Now?” Jughead blinked.

“We both know you're not going to sleep tonight anyway.”  
\--

As Veronica and Jughead stepped into the Andrews’ insulated garage later that night, Betty smiled in relief and stood, leaving Archie sitting on the couch. He looked at Jug, terrified, as Betty crossed the room and hugged him tightly. 

“I'm so glad you're here,” she murmured, holding him close. 

“Alright, alright,” Jughead sighed, hugging her tightly despite his tone. 

Betty let him go, with one last beaming smile, and grabbed Ronnie's hand as they left. Jughead shoved his hands in his jacket pockets, looking over at Archie cautiously. He was fidgeting terribly and his eyes were as red as his hair. He looked… devastated.

There was a dark sorrow that liked to hang from the bottom of Jughead's rib cage, which he felt keenly now. He hated himself for putting that look on Archie's face, for picking a fight out of his own insecurities, for so much about himself at that moment. 

“I, uh,” Archie stammered, reaching behind him and grabbing Jughead's beanie from the couch. “You- you left this…” He stood up and held it out awkwardly. 

Jughead thought he should try to smile, but his face felt too heavy. He crossed the room slowly, reaching a hand out for it. As soon as he touched it Archie let it go, like it had been burning him. Jug brought it close, fingering the familiar fabric, the bruises under his eyes haunting.

“Jug,” Archie whispered. “I… I can never say I'm sorry enough. I swear I never meant to push you like that.”

Jughead sighed heavily. “It's okay, Arch.”

“ _No_ it's not!” he retorted vehemently.

“Okay, it's not, but I'm honestly not even mad about it,” Jug told him truthfully. 

“Oh my god,” Archie groaned, shoving his hands into his hair and moving away. “Juggie, you can't just forgive something like this!” 

Jughead swallowed, eyes tracking Archie's movements. He shut down the first thing that came to mind… but then he decided to say it anyway. “Last Fourth of July hurt more.” 

Archie turned to face him, looking like he'd been punched in the stomach. 

“But I forgave you for that,” Jughead reminded him quietly, “Because I know things were complicated. So… I forgive you for this, too. Because things are complicated.”

Archie crossed his arms in front of his chest tightly, trying to hold himself together. “You forgive too much, Jug.”

That drew out a small laugh, because he really didn't. Or… maybe he did. “And you're too certain, Archie.” 

He looked up, frowning. “Certain of what?”

“...Us.” 

Archie bit the edge of his lower lip, desperate hope briefly touching his face. “Is there still an 'us?’”

_There will always be an 'us,’_ was the first thought that came to Jughead's mind, followed swiftly by an _Oh._ He was able, for a moment, to understand Archie's surety. Nothing in sixteen years had completely broken them apart yet; what could it take? 

“You say you love me too easily,” Jughead told him. 

“But… I do love you.”

“But I never say it back.” 

Archie shrugged. “You don't have to. I know you do, anyway.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

“Because I know you.” 

“Arch,” Jughead groaned, rasping a hand over his face. “I can't- I can't do it this way.” Archie's face feel, his heartbreak obvious, so he rushed to add, “No, just- I can't handle how _sure_ you are! Don't you ever, like, have doubts? Question what we're doing?”

Surprise flashed across his face. “Are you kidding? Sometimes I feel like all I do is question myself.” Archie shifted a little, looking uncomfortable. “I'm trying so hard to be better, Jug. I think… I think I really screwed up last year and I don't want to keep being that way. I thought maybe things would be better if I just told people how I was feeling, ‘cause it was all the secrets that made it so bad in the first place.”

Jughead frowned a little, tilting his head as he thought over the events of last summer. “But so much of that wasn't your fault, Arch. It was that woman manipulating you.” 

Archie tensed; Grundy was a sore spot for everyone. Now that he was (had been?) in an actual caring relationship it was easier to see how she had toyed with him, how she had played him. It was… so embarrassing. 

“Archie,” Jughead said firmly, stepping closer to him. “Stop. None of that was your fault, got it?”

His shoulders jerked up in a shrug. “Yeah, I know.”

Jughead frowned fiercely and walked over to him, but Archie looked up, panicked, and moved away. They both stopped, surprise lingering in the air. 

“What if she really messed me up, Juggie?” Archie asked quietly after a long, tense moment, looking anguished. 

Jughead hugged his arms to his chest. “If you're talking about earlier, Arch, then _no,_ okay? You're a teenage boy; your hormones just got the better of you for a minute.” He paused. “I know all about the body reacting in ways you don't want it to.” 

Archie sighed, still looking miserable. They stared openly at each other for a long minute. “Maybe we should stay broken up,” Archie finally offered, sounding like it was the last thing on earth here wanted to do. “All I ever do is hurt you, in some way or another. Maybe you're better off without me.”

A small, mirthless laugh strained out of Jughead. “I'm… I'm definitely better _with_ you, Arch. Which, you know, is probably why I try so hard to push you away.” He took a deep breath. “I'm sorry, too. I- I don't know why I have to sabotage everything good in my life, but I do. It's, like, the Jones’ curse, or something. We just don't know how to keep a good thing, I think. But I _am_ happy when I'm with you, Archie.” Jughead paused, inhaling shakily. “But if you do want to break up, I really get it.”

A fond smile tugged at the corner of Archie’s mouth. “Jug, you’re probably one of the smartest people I know, but you definitely don’t ‘get it.’”

He couldn’t help but smile. “That's how to get the boy, Arch; insult his intelligence.” 

“Worked for you, didn’t it?”

They both laughed, slightly and shyly, but it was there. They retreated to the couch in the back of the garage, sitting on opposite sides carefully, and tried to unload everything on their hearts and minds.

Jughead spoke of his terrifying uncertainty about the future; whether his dad was going to successfully get out of prison and stay sober, whether he’d ever see his mom and sister again, if he was going to be able to leave Riverdale, his obligations to the Serpents, even his secret, desperate, ambition to go to college despite the lack of affordability. 

Archie told him about the stuff he’d been reading online about manipulation and abuse, how it could carry across a person’s life, his terror at becoming someone like Grundy since he’d experienced it, his body’s longing for Jug even as his mind was completely satisfied with what they were doing, his dad’s health post-gunshot wound, his own nerves with senior year fast approaching and the rest of their lives barreling in on its heels, if he even could get a football scholarship for college or if he'd be working with his dad all of his life.

As the night wore on and they kept talking, they wound up with their legs stretched out and feet tangled in the middle, their backs to the arms of the couch, knees absently swaying in the air. 

Jughead confessed how Archie’s certainty in them simultaneously shook him to his core and comforted him, and his confusion as to how both feelings could be so absolutely true. Archie told him how their relationship was the one thing Archie _was_ sure about, how Jug was an anchor while their lives kicked up storms in the waters around them. How he'd known for years but didn't understand it.

They stretched out further, getting more comfortable on the tiny couch, as their voices grew hoarse and the dawn started to peek over the horizon, bathing the garage in a gentle light. They spoke fondly of Betty and Veronica, their steadfast love in the boys, how empty their lives would be without them. They talked about their parents, both near and far, and how heavy responsibilities could be even though they were both men and should have been able to shoulder them. They spoke tentatively of the future, of the possibilities it could hold, of what their lives could be if they somehow managed to get the basics of what they wanted. 

“You’re not your dad, okay? Or what he did and didn’t do.”

“And you’ll never be like Grundy. I swear it.”

Jughead never remembered to put his beanie back on.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not great at writing conflict, but Chester Bennington's suicide threw me for a loop so here we are.
> 
> (Also I really want to write a B&V fic but feel like I can't get Ronnie's voice right...)


End file.
